Ack! (Or What I've Been Working On.) Belatedly.

How many times can you rip something out before it's ruined? This bag nearly made me cry. Really. It's not even a hard pattern, I know that. I've seen hard bag patterns and this isn't one. It just wouldn't work for me. I had some sorta brain block where I just couldn't get it together. Some nonsense about not sewing the handles inside the lining. :) So, here it is finally done. It's for my MIL's birthday, of course I sewed it the night before in my usual procrastinating manner - and I hope to whoever in the universe is listening that she likes it. And that it doesn't fall apart.

I also worked on some preemie caps for a charity "unswap" they did over at Craftster for an infant loss organization. Again, the old hands wouldn't cooperate so I didn't get as much done as I would have liked. I am proud that I got some done, however, and actually mailed them. I've been wanting to do a project like this forever. They were also my first knitted caps, so yay me. In all seriousness though, I do hope they bless the families who receive them. I am so thankful for the woman who took the time to sew a gown and crochet a little cap and blanket for my little boy when he died. I'll never know who she was, but I thank her for the few things I have that were his.

That's what I'm up to. I should be scrapbooking. I have a commissioned scrapbook to finish by June and I really need to get going. I have to be inspired to sit down and create though. And I have to be not homeschooling, or working, or teaching co-op, or falling over from being tired. :) Inspiration will come, I have faith in it.

Time May Change Me

I made a big change in my life tonight. Well, "officially" anyway. I had made the decision awhile ago but finally made it concrete today. Since 2003,I have been running a support group for bereaved parents and found that it was time to change. That I wasn't the voice these moms needed any longer. They need someone newer in their loss, someone who has that ferocity still, who walks on that same brink but has found the path where it is smoother. I still feel their losses tremendously. Each and every new story breaks my heart a little bit more every time I hear one. How much more of my heart is left to break, I wonder? The heart's capacity for all of life's messy emotions must be truly legion.

So, I'm feeling confused, a little sad, and mostly lost. I don't know that it matters to anyone that I won't be there anymore. I hope my son, looking down on me, is not disappointed in his momma. Does he know my heart? Why I chose to move in a different direction? I worry about leading a life of no meaning. I have always had this compulsion that I need to make a difference in the world someway, no matter how small. Over the various years, I have sat at different jobs - ones that a trained monkey could do thanks to my lack of skills - and felt the time wasting away. Like I'm disappointing some higher power that needs me to get my act together and do something real. With my group, even though I did not meet the goals I had for it, I feel that I did. I also know I made the right decision to step down. But, where do I stand now? What life am I impacting? Can it be enough to be that impact in my children's life? What am I teaching them if I'm not giving back myself?

I guess I'm naval-gazing and being whiny. But, I like to think my son died for some higher reason. Though, if someone else said that to me I'd be likely to kick them. :) It's important to me to live a life he would be proud of. To leave a legacy in his name. To be a good mother to him, even in death. I guess I'll see who I am now outside of the bubble I have been existing in, maybe this new girl will have some answers.