Thursday, February 5, 2009

Time May Change Me

I made a big change in my life tonight. Well, "officially" anyway. I had made the decision awhile ago but finally made it concrete today. Since 2003,I have been running a support group for bereaved parents and found that it was time to change. That I wasn't the voice these moms needed any longer. They need someone newer in their loss, someone who has that ferocity still, who walks on that same brink but has found the path where it is smoother. I still feel their losses tremendously. Each and every new story breaks my heart a little bit more every time I hear one. How much more of my heart is left to break, I wonder? The heart's capacity for all of life's messy emotions must be truly legion.

So, I'm feeling confused, a little sad, and mostly lost. I don't know that it matters to anyone that I won't be there anymore. I hope my son, looking down on me, is not disappointed in his momma. Does he know my heart? Why I chose to move in a different direction? I worry about leading a life of no meaning. I have always had this compulsion that I need to make a difference in the world someway, no matter how small. Over the various years, I have sat at different jobs - ones that a trained monkey could do thanks to my lack of skills - and felt the time wasting away. Like I'm disappointing some higher power that needs me to get my act together and do something real. With my group, even though I did not meet the goals I had for it, I feel that I did. I also know I made the right decision to step down. But, where do I stand now? What life am I impacting? Can it be enough to be that impact in my children's life? What am I teaching them if I'm not giving back myself?

I guess I'm naval-gazing and being whiny. But, I like to think my son died for some higher reason. Though, if someone else said that to me I'd be likely to kick them. :) It's important to me to live a life he would be proud of. To leave a legacy in his name. To be a good mother to him, even in death. I guess I'll see who I am now outside of the bubble I have been existing in, maybe this new girl will have some answers.

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